Why me?

Sometimes I wonder if I am worthy of the power I have now.

I run a business that was passed down to me by my mom. I’m doing quite well running it,  though I keep catching myself wondering if I’m worthy of the title I have.

An entrepreneur, a business owner. Owner. 

It was a big shock, at the beginning, when my mom immediately handed over the company to me two months after I graduated from business school.

I was practically just a baby in the business world. Was it the right time for me? Did she think I was worthy? Did she have faith in me? Or was she just tired of the burden?

Was I wrong for taking the position just like that? Was I just power-hungry that I did not think of all the consequences of taking this title?

Now, I have employees who are around my age, a couple years older than me and even dozens of years older. And I can’t help but wonder why?

Why is it that they are the ones working for me and not the other way around? Why do I get to be the one who decide when they get their holidays? Why do I get to be the one to decide how much salary they get? Why do I have to be the one who makes all the decisions?

And I’m not looking for answers like ‘you received better education’ or ‘you are the daughter of the previous owner’. What I’m asking is why did my soul get this life, and their soul got theirs? Why was I born to live this life and them theirs.

So as a result, I become guilty, have a lack of confidence, hesitation and even confusion. I’m not a really good leader because I think, at the back of my head, there’s a little voice that keeps asking me “are you sure you’re worthy?”  and it’s really fucking me up.

I hope one day I find a reason to answer “yes I am.”

 

Potential

The worst feeling in the world.

To me, it’s knowing the potential of something, but not being able to reach it because of reasons that are in my control.

For example:

  • The potential for me to get straight A*s but not achieving it because of procrastination.
  • The potential for a friendship to blossom but not reaching there because of my social anxiety.
  • The potential for my business to grow at a faster rate but it didn’t because of my fear of failure.

This to me, is the worst feeling in the world. Knowing I’m good enough but being too afraid or lazy or lame to achieve something.

And every time I get that sudden ‘realization’ that this is happening again, I get a surge of energy to change things, get moving and be productive. But it never lasts. Eventually, I fall back to my old habits.

I guess this is all I can share for now.

I just feel like shit sometimes, and that’s okay. (I hope)