I am often hurt, vulnerable and overly-emotional.
I get riled up over petty bullshit and I get excited when beautiful things happen to the people around me.
I could be a ride or die type of friend, but there are huge concrete walls around me, ones that haven’t been let down in so long. So it takes people quite sometime to get there.
I have trust issues, especially when it comes to female friends.
I am complicated and I am weird.
I care too much about people who don’t give a shit about me. I care even more about people who do.
I never wish any harm on anyone, not even my worst enemies. I don’t want to be enemies with my enemies.
I enjoy peace and harmony. I enjoy laughter, friendship and vulnerability. I don’t like loud music, I hate dirty dancing, clubs and bars.
I get overwhelmed in crowded places and I can’t act like myself when hanging out in large groups of people.
I was often told to shut up. I was often told I was annoying. I was often ignored and underestimated.
That made me small, wanting so bad to be invisible.
I have done a lot of bad things in the past, I have hurt people. During those times, my actions didn’t align with my values and that often made me stay awake at night.
I valued myself by what I thought others think of me. I hated myself. At times, I couldn’t even look in the mirror because I thought the reflection staring back at me was the ugliest thing to ever exist on the planet.
At this point in my life, I realize that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever.
By nature, people drift apart. Fundamentally different people leave your life, leaving room for more relatable people to come and stay.
I believe that everyone was put in your life for a reason, to teach you something, to show you a way, to entertain you, or whatever.
I hope I have brought a positive impact, one way or another to everyone’s lives I’ve touched.
I hope that even if we barely talk anymore, there is something you could take away from the moments we’ve had in the past, and that you know I wish the best for you.
I know life is not all sunshine and rainbows, my idealisms often gets the best of me.
I realize now that I prefer having people who could struggle together with me.
Who are hard working, have strong values and are passionate in what they do.
Who even though are often hurt or shunned by society, still pick themselves up and learnt from what they did. Who have lived through epic fails after epic fails, who have been disgracefully dethroned from a leadership position, who have failed their classes multiple times, who silently struggled through their parents’ divorce, who were called assholes, idiots and entitled.
But now have realized their mistakes and changed, and will continue improving themselves everyday.
People who grow, who invest in themselves and who are strong. People who are in touch with their vulnerability. People who are authentic. People who know crying is never a bad thing. People who can laugh at themselves. People who are alive.
These are my kind of people.
A lot of people could balance between the two, vanity and humility. I don’t think I am there yet. So for now, I choose humility.
In my never-ending journey of self improvement, I have discovered yet another important aspect into life.
Momentum, which is “the quantity of motion of a moving body, measured as a product of its mass and velocity.” (just googled it).
Just like in physics, Newtons’ first law of motion states that an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced or opposing force.
I felt that.
Okay, I’m not trying to be extra, or to be #relatable but I just realized, that this applies to life. Maybe I’m late to the game, but now I better understand why I do the things that I do and choose the path I’ve taken.
My whole life, I’ve felt like an abandoned floatie, floating through the ocean, following wherever the tides takes me. Accepting everything that is given to me, not bothering with anything that has rejected me. Doing everything that I’ve been told to do. I have just been free, floating, at ease, but suffering all at the same time.
My wants became what others wanted me to be. My needs became what everyone told me I needed. My thoughts mirrored people who were closest to me. My opinions were a repetition of what others have said before. Heck, my thoughts were often molded by other people’s opinions. Worse of all, my schedule was and is based on whatever people requested me to do.
By this, I would think that I was flexible, impulsive, acceptable, relatable, likeable. But was I really?
I have become the basic bitch I have never wanted to be. I have become a sum of everything I adored. But to my surprise, I did not adore myself.
I was like a combination of all the amazing, exotic ingredients you could find in the world, cooked in a stew that turned out to be a horrible, money-wasting, time-consuming, energy-draining dish.
Okay. Let’s hold back on the self deprecation.
Let’s be objective.
I have realized now that because I’m not an inanimate object, there are two ‘forces’ that could drive me in different directions and speed.
INTERNAL and EXTERNAL (surprise surprise)
Let’s start with the easy one first.
External forces. My mom. My dad. My teacher. My boyfriend. My siblings. The weather. The facilities I have. The resources I’m provided with. Hunger. Thirst. Essentially, things that happen to me, things I can’t control, things that are provided to me by the universe.
And now the hard one.
Internal forces. My thoughts. My self esteem. My motivation. My will-power. My energy. My mood. My behavior. My actions. All the things I can control. All the things that I plan and execute. My grit. These are the things that shape and define me. These are the things that should keep the momentum going. These are the things that makes me sustainable and successful. It is discipline, it is showing up on time, it is choosing to listen to an audio-book instead of binge-watching a TV show. It is choosing to cook at home instead of ordering takeout. It is waking up early every morning. It is saving up money instead of buying another pair of earrings. It is my actions.
I keep the saying “you can’t control what happens to you, you can only control how you respond to them” close to my heart. But I often forget how to live by it. So maybe this post is just a reminder to myself that everything is in your hands. Where you are next year, five years from now and for the rest of your life, depends on all the small things you chose to do today. The small decisions you make. The things you do right now.
So pick the right path. Do the things you’ve been avoiding because of fear, shame or guilt. Pick healthy. Prioritize yourself. Grow. Swallow your pride, don’t care about what others think, and just do whatever you have to do to succeed. Grow.
I know that you know what exactly it is you have to do. So just do it, and keep doing it.
some days I just don’t feel like being alive.
I feel so dead inside, I feel so tired of everyone and everything.
And I think it has something to do with my hair and my head.
Lol… I decided not to wash my hair today, even though it’s only the third day, I feel so off.
I didn’t know something this insignificant played a very pertinent role in my life.
Ok that’s all..
Finding You again is like a breath of fresh air.
I don’t normally write when I’m happy or motivated, but let’s give it a shot.
The past couple of weeks (and even months) have been a huge shithole for me. I never really know what to do with my business, I find myself feeling empty and lost and scared to face challenges in my life, and there was just a lot of hate and anger in my heart that I didn’t really understand how to express.
I felt useless and lame and worst of all, I felt like a fraud. but then, I found Him.
For the first time in my life, it was purely my choice.
I remember exactly how it happened. I was in the shower, wondering what was different about my life now that I feel so lost and scared and confused, and what was there in my life before that made me feel grounded. The answer was very simple. Authority.
I’ve always had an authority figure in my life, whether it be my parents, teachers or bosses. So whether I liked it or not, there were certain rules I had to follow, and in a way, it gave me a sense of freedom. Freedom of fear of choosing the wrong path, freedom of having to be the moral compass, freedom of having to choose between two polarizing but equally tempting offers. And I think it’s very human to want that.
Now that I’m running a company, I must be strong. I must be able to be morally correct and make the right choices. So, rather than relying on any other human to guide me (because to be honest, I find it very hard to trust people), why not rely on The Almighty God Himself?
I figured, let’s give it a shot. So yesterday, I went to church. With my boyfriend and his sister. And kid me not, the entire time I was there, I had chills running down my spine. I teared up a couple times, and thanks be to God, I think I’ve finally found my grounding.
Things look less and less fuzzy.
a couple days later…
I stopped writing because I was too happy or excited or just couldn’t find the right words to express how relieved and grateful I am.
I downloaded a bible app called Youversion and am starting to read daily verses and follow some plans on there. Even though it’s only three days, It’s all going great. I hope that this will continue to be an everlasting habit.
On a less serious note, I bought a Nintendo DS, and am having the time of my life living the childhood fun I never had.
And for work, I am finally starting to gain momentum of keeping things running. Did 2 nights of deep cleaning, I feel like I’m getting closer to my employees. There’s still a lot of clerical work and finance stuff that I have to sort out. But other than that, things are going great and I will keep it this way.
Thank you God.
Sometimes I wonder if I am worthy of the power I have now.
I run a business that was passed down to me by my mom. I’m doing quite well running it, though I keep catching myself wondering if I’m worthy of the title I have.
An entrepreneur, a business owner. Owner.
It was a big shock, at the beginning, when my mom immediately handed over the company to me two months after I graduated from business school.
I was practically just a baby in the business world. Was it the right time for me? Did she think I was worthy? Did she have faith in me? Or was she just tired of the burden?
Was I wrong for taking the position just like that? Was I just power-hungry that I did not think of all the consequences of taking this title?
Now, I have employees who are around my age, a couple years older than me and even dozens of years older. And I can’t help but wonder why?
Why is it that they are the ones working for me and not the other way around? Why do I get to be the one who decide when they get their holidays? Why do I get to be the one to decide how much salary they get? Why do I have to be the one who makes all the decisions?
And I’m not looking for answers like ‘you received better education’ or ‘you are the daughter of the previous owner’. What I’m asking is why did my soul get this life, and their soul got theirs? Why was I born to live this life and them theirs.
So as a result, I become guilty, have a lack of confidence, hesitation and even confusion. I’m not a really good leader because I think, at the back of my head, there’s a little voice that keeps asking me “are you sure you’re worthy?” and it’s really fucking me up.
I hope one day I find a reason to answer “yes I am.”
Really really love this idea of existence. Maybe I’ll write something about it someday, but the idea is still brewing in my mind.
The worst feeling in the world.
To me, it’s knowing the potential of something, but not being able to reach it because of reasons that are in my control.
- The potential for me to get straight A*s but not achieving it because of procrastination.
- The potential for a friendship to blossom but not reaching there because of my social anxiety.
- The potential for my business to grow at a faster rate but it didn’t because of my fear of failure.
This to me, is the worst feeling in the world. Knowing I’m good enough but being too afraid or lazy or lame to achieve something.
And every time I get that sudden ‘realization’ that this is happening again, I get a surge of energy to change things, get moving and be productive. But it never lasts. Eventually, I fall back to my old habits.
I guess this is all I can share for now.
I just feel like shit sometimes, and that’s okay. (I hope)
Y O U C O N T R O L Y O U R O W N T H O U G H T S .
Did that sentence blow your mind?
I spent a lot of my time ranting to my diary, complaining about how I can’t get my shit together. Crying about how there’s so much pressure on me. And for the first time in my life, I stopped writing, and started reading my past entries. Then, I realized a pattern.
I’m just as fucked up as I was two years ago. I’m just as twisted and negative and messed up as my teenage self. So, even though I’d like to think I’m a lot wiser now, and that I’m a lot more calm and composed and moving towards a better goal, I still fall back to the same trap that always gets to me.
It is a vicious cycle that I have to get out of. and now that I know that
I C O N T R O L M Y O W N T H O U G H T S ,
I should be able to get myself out of that dark, twisted part of my brain right?
Let’s just see how this goes, shall we?
Hopefully, I’ll keep you posted.