Weird

some days I just don’t feel like being alive.

I feel so dead inside, I feel so tired of everyone and everything.

And I think it has something to do with my hair and my head.

Lol… I decided not to wash my hair today, even though it’s only the third day, I feel so off.

I didn’t know something this insignificant played a very pertinent role in my life.

Ok that’s all..

 

Out of the woods

Finding You again is like a breath of fresh air.

I don’t normally write when I’m happy or motivated, but let’s give it a shot.

The past couple of weeks (and even months) have been a huge shithole for me. I never really know what to do with my business, I find myself feeling empty and lost and scared to face challenges in my life, and there was just a lot of hate and anger in my heart that I didn’t really understand how to express.

I felt useless and lame and worst of all, I felt like a fraud. but then, I found Him.

For the first time in my life, it was purely my choice.

I remember exactly how it happened. I was in the shower, wondering what was different about my life now that I feel so lost and scared and confused, and what was there in my life before that made me feel grounded. The answer was very simple. Authority.

I’ve always had an authority figure in my life, whether it be my parents, teachers or bosses. So whether I liked it or not, there were certain rules I had to follow, and in a way, it gave me a sense of freedom. Freedom of fear of choosing the wrong path, freedom of having to be the moral compass, freedom of having to choose between two polarizing but equally tempting offers. And I think it’s very human to want that.

Now that I’m running a company, I must be strong. I must be able to be morally correct and make the right choices. So, rather than relying on any other human to guide me (because to be honest, I find it very hard to trust people), why not rely on The Almighty God Himself?

I figured, let’s give it a shot. So yesterday, I went to church. With my boyfriend and his sister. And kid me not, the entire time I was there, I had chills running down my spine. I teared up a couple times, and thanks be to God, I think I’ve finally found my grounding.

Things look less and less fuzzy.

.

.

.

a couple days later…

.

I stopped writing because I was too happy or excited or just couldn’t find the right words to express how relieved and grateful I am.

I downloaded a bible app called Youversion and am starting to read daily verses and follow some plans on there. Even though it’s only three days, It’s all going great. I hope that this will continue to be an everlasting habit.

On a less serious note, I bought a Nintendo DS, and am having the time of my life living the childhood fun I never had.

And for work, I am finally starting to gain momentum of keeping things running. Did 2 nights of deep cleaning, I feel like I’m getting closer to my employees. There’s still a lot of clerical work and finance stuff that I have to sort out. But other than that, things are going great and I will keep it this way.

Thank you God.

xx

Why me?

Sometimes I wonder if I am worthy of the power I have now.

I run a business that was passed down to me by my mom. I’m doing quite well running it,  though I keep catching myself wondering if I’m worthy of the title I have.

An entrepreneur, a business owner. Owner. 

It was a big shock, at the beginning, when my mom immediately handed over the company to me two months after I graduated from business school.

I was practically just a baby in the business world. Was it the right time for me? Did she think I was worthy? Did she have faith in me? Or was she just tired of the burden?

Was I wrong for taking the position just like that? Was I just power-hungry that I did not think of all the consequences of taking this title?

Now, I have employees who are around my age, a couple years older than me and even dozens of years older. And I can’t help but wonder why?

Why is it that they are the ones working for me and not the other way around? Why do I get to be the one who decide when they get their holidays? Why do I get to be the one to decide how much salary they get? Why do I have to be the one who makes all the decisions?

And I’m not looking for answers like ‘you received better education’ or ‘you are the daughter of the previous owner’. What I’m asking is why did my soul get this life, and their soul got theirs? Why was I born to live this life and them theirs.

So as a result, I become guilty, have a lack of confidence, hesitation and even confusion. I’m not a really good leader because I think, at the back of my head, there’s a little voice that keeps asking me “are you sure you’re worthy?”  and it’s really fucking me up.

I hope one day I find a reason to answer “yes I am.”

 

Potential

The worst feeling in the world.

To me, it’s knowing the potential of something, but not being able to reach it because of reasons that are in my control.

For example:

  • The potential for me to get straight A*s but not achieving it because of procrastination.
  • The potential for a friendship to blossom but not reaching there because of my social anxiety.
  • The potential for my business to grow at a faster rate but it didn’t because of my fear of failure.

This to me, is the worst feeling in the world. Knowing I’m good enough but being too afraid or lazy or lame to achieve something.

And every time I get that sudden ‘realization’ that this is happening again, I get a surge of energy to change things, get moving and be productive. But it never lasts. Eventually, I fall back to my old habits.

I guess this is all I can share for now.

I just feel like shit sometimes, and that’s okay. (I hope)